When does it happen? When do you cease to be the same person you were before? I'm not talking about a "the old me smoked" sort of thing, I mean a complete paradigm shift. You look back and think, "How could I possibly have done those things? How could that possibly have been me?" Does it happen every year, on some solstice of rebirth? Are you a different person than you were an hour ago? Are you always the same person, and through your continually evolving psyche you fail to recognize the similarity between yourself now and yourself behind some perceived obstacle in time?

I used to think I was smart. I used to write things that I thought were insightful, things which had been on my mind for days or weeks. Now, what do I write? Things that feel poorly worked out, things I don't know anything about. Things which should go into a diary of some kind, the ramblings of a lunatic. Well, I do that. I have a diary. And, I have this. Why do I have both? Where do I make the distinction? I don't know...

I recently lost a friend. She's still alive, that isn't what I mean. What I mean, is I can't remember why we were "friends" to begin with. I can't remember the last time we talked. I have this vague recollection that we used to have fun, we used to have actual discussions. What memories do I have of the fifth grade? It was eight years ago. Eight. I can't even remember what I did yesterday, my memory is so horrible. It's past the point of "How could I have done that?" and to the point "What did I do?"

I tried an experiment recently. I thought, "Didn't she used to leave me spaces where I could respond, but I never did? Now I just 'uhum' or 'yeah' and she moves on quickly." I didn't say anything. I made no response of recognition. It went on for a little while. Her pauses got longer. I could almost feel what she must have been thinking, "He's getting really quiet. That's creeping me out. I'll ask him a question, to see if he's just ignoring me or not paying attention." I took a pause. I answered. I decided to abandon that, as much as I could. Did she get an explanation? No. I'm still that weird kid that does things for no reason.

I don't know where I'm going anymore. I can't remember where I came from. I never really knew what I was doing to begin with. I'm completely lost. I used to take forever to respond because I was too busy thinking about everything. Now it feels like I haven't thought of anything at all.

Well then. I hope in nine years, we'll have a ten year anniversary from graduating high school. I hope then I can say, "Hey, there stranger!" Have a nice fluid discussion. Meet my old friends' husbands and wives. Share whatever modicum of success I believe I have. Maybe I won't last that long though, maybe I'll be removed from society much sooner than that